Wednesday, November 20, 2013

Morning Glory Seeds

Morning Glory Seeds

I ventured outside for a moment.  I wanted to collect what remained of my Morning Glory seeds.  I was startled to find so many!  Surely there wasn't as many blooms?  Or was there? 

Our summer passed so quickly.  From the moment my son became ill, it seemed that we were in a state of panic..on heightened alert...doing damage control and then...thank Goodness...recovery mode.  

My days are so full.  Work occupies so much of my time, but it is a necessary evil right now.  What leisure time I have seems to be filled so quickly.

I don't remember seeing more than one bloom, and I saw it in passing.

I looked at my son the other day.  He is 37 years old.  I vaguely remember the years between 4 to 37.

I guess William H. Davies says it best in the following...


What is this life if, full of care,
We have no time to stand and stare.

No time to stand beneath the boughs
And stare as long as sheep or cows.

No time to see, when woods we pass,
Where squirrels hide their nuts in grass.

No time to see, in broad daylight,
Streams full of stars, like skies at night.

No time to turn at Beauty's glance,
And watch her feet, how they can dance.

No time to wait till her mouth can
Enrich that smile her eyes began.

A poor life this is if, full of care,
We have no time to stand and stare.

Someone suggested that my priorities would become clear when I retired.  I cannot imagine that they will become any more clear than they are right soon work will not factor into the equation.

How can I make time to stop and stare?  Housework!  I can stop making my bed, doing dishes and sweeping the floor!  I can sit by our river, take more boat rides and gaze over the fence at the neighbors sheep and horses.  I can walk for a short period every day, and I can count my Morning Glory blooms.

And do you take time to smell your roses?  How do you find time to do so?

Thursday, November 14, 2013

Good News/Bad News

Just when you think that it could not get any worse, you switch on the news. 

CTV news in Barrie has just announced the cracking of a huge child porn operation.  As many as 340 children have been victimized.   

Some of the perpetrators are teachers, medical professionals, and priests.  Many live in Ontario.  Some reside out of province.  Many are from The States and overseas.

Our children are not safe with anyone other than a trusted family member, it seems.

One might argue that this sort of thing has always existed.  Perhaps it has, but the Internet has provided the means to spread this plague.

Surely there must be a way to hold the internet provider responsible for its client's business when using its service in a manner that is unlawful? 

Should our schools be teaching virtues and morals from a young age onward?  Obviously a sense of decency is more valuable than any education...

Keep your babies close, parents.  Watch them like hawks.  Listen to your gut feelings.  Know who is caring for them.  

Friday, November 8, 2013

I was going to blog yesterday, about the conflicting feelings that arise on thie 7th of November.  I chose to wait until today when I had a joyous occasion to celebrate.  You see, today is my daughter's birthday...and yesterday was the anniversary of her father's death.

Ray and I were married for 13 tumultuous years.  During that time we welcomed two little boys, and a little girl into our lives.  Those births were a time of great joy...but we struggled.  Ray was born to two alcoholic parents, and he had many demons that he wrestled with.  

He also wrestled with anger issues, and the children and I received the brunt of that.  I stayed in the marriage as long as I could.  I was the primary income earner for most of our marriage, and while I was happy to contribute, I was disappointed that I could not stay home with my babies.

I really did love Ray.  He was such a handsome guy.  When we moved to Muskoka onto 54 acres, I couldn't have been happier.  That changed quickly.  Our neighbor was a drinker and he and Ray became buddies..and his alcohol and substance abuse worsened.  Finally, after many failed offers to arrange counseling, I left.  I feared for the well being of my children.

I'm not certain that it was the best decision.  Because when I removed myself from his life, he removed himself from our children's lives.  Christmas and birthdays were never acknowledged.  Such pain was inflicted on my children...

There was no reason to not see the kids.  He had open visiting privileges.  I forgave him child support twic.  His anger at me was so all consuming that he could not be near me or anyone who had a connection to me.  I was the sole reason for his unhappiness.

Before the ink had dried on our divorce papers, Ray found himself another family.  He was loved, and for that I am very thankful.

Two months before he died he called his children to him.  He admitted that he had been wrong...that it was not their fault...and that he was sorry.  I am forever grateful for that.

My children are doing okay.  They have forgiven...however, one struggles with depression.  The other two are just sad.  They are good people.  My middle son travelled to his fathers home yesterday to tend his garden and comfort his grieving widow....the same lady who he rarely saw growing up.

The insurance policy that they should have been the recipients of was cashed out the year before Ray died.  Momentoes were left to them, of a man that they never got to know.

So while I still feel bitter, I also feel a great sadness.  I miss the man I loved...the man I married.  I miss the father of my children and I also miss the hope that he will develop a relationship with his children.

I have not felt his presence since he continued his travels, but my children have.  That is more important to me...that they finally feel his presence in their lives.

Enough said...  Today I will celebrate the birth of one of the greates gifts that Ray left me...a daughter., who along with the her brothers, is the best part of Ray.

Rest peacefully Ray.  I forgive you.

Wednesday, November 6, 2013

Time Flies!

Where do our summer go?  And Fall?  If this isn't a lesson in living every day to the fullest then I don't know what is!

I have taken on full time employment at our nursing home.  12 hour shifts go remarkably fast.  I really do love it, and because time flies!  In no time at all, my seven shifts are complete, and I have a nice pay cheque!

On my days off, I sleep.  And when I don't need to sleep, I paint....and I dream of retirement...and traveling...and painting.

I am taking lessons from one of the best oil painting artists that I know of.  I don't know how to attach a link from the site, but Google "Suzanne Berry artist".  I am sure you will find her work magnificent!

Our pellet stove is on every day now.  It throws off a wonderful heat AND a lot of dust!  It costs 6 dollars a day to heat this home.  We don't have to run it every day yet.

I'm sorry that I have been so tardy in posting but I do read your blogs and am enjoying all of your adventures.  I promise to do better.

This fellow continues to visit often.  I wonder where he goes in the winter?

Off to work now!